In Defense Of A Lesbian, Queer, Bi-Sexual Femme Identity

Greetings, Happy International Women’s Month and welcome to The DaddiGirl Griots Inaugural Blog launch. The ebb and flow of my life dictates that I don’t promise to post on a regular schedule but promise to post enough to keep you coming back!

I am a fifty-four-year-old female born, female identified, African-American, butch, sex non-conforming and last but not hardly least, lesbian. For those who feel this is a mouth full, too much to consider or are all together completely confused “TRIGGER WARNING!” The DaddiGirl Griot is about to spill some tea and slay some demons.

Sadly, and most unfortunately the human species is having to endure and recalibrate an Earth cycle that is inundated by patriarchy. Sister girl translation: Fools with nuts have taken dominion for far too long, ain’t been giving females their just due and are fucking the planet up. Patriarchy takes from mother earth without asking, doesn’t say thank you nor does it clean up after itself. This warped perception of power and consumptive living creates the immoral conditions of racism, misogyny, homophobia, classism, ableism and sexism… all diseases of the mind and spirit that perpetuate untold suffering and ignorance. Now’s the time for all males to sit in the time out corner, simply observe and learn the fine art of being an ally and servant of the divine feminine.

Patriarchy has multiple functioning arms like an Octopus and adapts itself according to the environments it seeks to infiltrate and control. For example, how does male authority exert itself the in the political arena? Females make up over half of the US population, yet only hold nineteen percent of the available congressional seats. Legislation for issues that impact females like abortion, reproductive rights, sexual assault and equitable pay, pale in comparison to the male dominated corporate interests such as the NRA that lobby and control our halls of government. How and why do those slimy patriarchal arms maintain their bruising suction cup grip on the female body and psyche? And what can females do on an individual and collective basis to heal our species, foster female evolution and restore love to a broken planet?

Now that we’re cooking with oil It’s time to fry that chicken. Being born female under a system of patriarchy means folks got rules and regulations about how you’re supposed to act, dress, move, think, feel and express yourself. Depending upon a female’s ethnic origins, cultural influences, economic class, religion, education, physical and mental status; she is given a specific set of guidelines that set forth her rules of engagement, with the rest of the world. In most cases any acting outside of these guidelines usually leads to some sort of ostracization, which is a lonely road that doesn’t feel good.

For crowd control measures females are encouraged, pressured and forced to present themselves as ladies, compliant and non-threatening and for god’s sake don’t look like a man, people will think you’re a lesbian! The acceptable patriarchal westernized/ European forms of female expression and cultural perceptions that women of color are also expected to cozy up with may include: the wearing of make-up, donning long hair, a propensity for shopping and the wearing of dresses, skirts and clothing that reveal or overly conceal the flesh, an innate love of dolls not trucks, a love of pink not blue, shapely but not too muscular or athletic, subversive whore, too emotional, talk too much, needy, hyper-sexual temptress, an unflinching desire for the male gaze and touch, naturally drawn towards the duties of the home, maiden like, pure, innocent, cut throat, controlling, competitive, slut.

I like to open my blogs with broad concepts before I snuggle in with a topic. I’m trying to expand my readers spectrum of understanding, while setting them up for emotional resonance with the subject at hand… and speaking of hands, this butch dyke is raising the roof, clapping wildly and giving double high fives to my female born, Femme identified, lesbian, queer and bi-sexual sisters. I see what you battle against and feel your pain, the pain of knowing that we sometimes become the poster children of displeasure within the lesbian and queer feminist movement. Me for seemingly wanting to be a man and you for always wanting a man.

Let’s get one thing clear; embracing a Femme identity requires a far more intricate process than a person or society simply perceiving them as one. There are plenty of lesbians and queer women who have no desire to attach themselves to a Femme identity and get annoyed when their outward femininity automatically gets them placed in the “femme box”. Another thing not to get twisted, Femme identity is a choice. It is a knowing… a calling of belonging to a divine coven of female power. Femme identity has its own unique codes, culture and rituals.

A conscience Femme identity comes with the responsibility of knowing they have privilege because they avoid a certain type of scrutiny and opposition when they “appear” feminine, as well as understand their role in pushing back against the patriarchal constructs that pit females against one another. When a lesbian, bi-sexual or queer female identifies as a Femme, she confronts multiple oppressions, silence and betrayals at her expense, resulting in her invisibility. It’s like being a light skinned African-American who could pass for white during the Jim Crowe era. You were damned if you did or damned if you didn’t. Someone always had their eyeball on you.

I know what some of you are processing. “The DaddiGirl must be crazy, what does she mean by betrayal and invisibility? “Those gold-digging Femmes are just looking out for themselves, feminist my ass!” OK settle down, let’s explore the Femme’s experience when she comes out. She must contend with this kind of stupidity: “Oh but you’re too pretty, you don’t seem like a lesbian, are you sure you like women or you just haven’t found the right man.” After all, Lesbians can only be ugly, flannel wearing, mullet cut, wanna be men, right? The Femme often becomes the target of feminist rage because she’s dubbed as complicit with male oppression. She’s only presenting as Femme because she’s thoroughly brainwashed and trained to seek the male gaze. The Femme’s personal politics and legitimacy come under scrutiny because she can’t possibly know how to speak against, sexism and homophobia; she’s too invested in male approval and societies acceptance.

Sisters this isn’t playing fair. Too often the Femme gets abandoned by her tribe while fighting on the front lines. We ignore her plight while slowly watching her become isolated from the very company she needs, our sisterhood. What old stones in our “Femme mythology” need turning, so women no longer feel the need to be each other’s patriarchal judge and jury? How do we support our sister Femmes to dump, chuck, toss and kick to the curb that daily load of bullshit? When are you going to speak against the forces that can prey on the Femme’s innate beauty and power? Where does the Femme go to collect herself and heal? I think the medicine is simple and what all of us women loving women deserve… A chance to tell our stories. Enough time and safe space to regularly heal the body and restore the mind.

I am a woke butch dyke who is granted various male privileges, yet I also know what it means to be perceived as a Black male; one of America’s greatest threats. Walking the cutting-edge sword of both truths, empowers my empathy and compassion to help eradicate all forms of Femme identified oppression… which could inevitably free us all!

In sisterhood and solidary the DaddiGirl Griot.